#i need help mayhaps
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i feel like every cobra kai person has a thing from the show they obsess over. my ass' obession is with how in two years time, a grown blondie literally fucked over his bio and step son mentally, emotionally, and physically over some high school karate-related rivalry that occured over three decades ago. and somehow neither son really gave him the proper cussing out he deserves (i love johnny btw).
and then he has the audacity to wonder why said sons don't get along. one of them literally nearly DIED because of the other hon. their daddy issues are at a nuclear level because of your sexual tension with your high school rival don't play. like at least the girls' drama is all because of them. like if johnny was a good dad... none of this woulda happened.
#cobra kai#johnny lawrence#miguel diaz#robby keene#xolo maridueña#tanner buchanan#william zabka#like father of the year goes to...#not johnny bitch#as a girl with bio dad-level daddy issues#that affect the relationship with my real dad sometimes#i feel bad for those two more than i do johnny#i made a whole edit about it last night#to “like him” by tyler#i need help mayhaps#:)
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Why must the medication give me other mental health issues. I trade the Big Sad for the No Sleep and it gives me more Big Sad
#mayhaps it might be best to switch medication who knows#bones rants#anti depressants u have failed me#I can’t take melatonin bc I tried a bunch of shooters with twin to try to find out what types of hard liquor we like and I don’t wanna#absolutely destroy my liver that’s a big no no#I shall simply wait till the eepy and yet my hands are so so so much so in pain bc I’ve yet to sleep and they need a solid 8 hours of rest#before they won’t hurt for the entire next day (maybe. solid 25/75 chance it’ll help)#Augh owchy#fuck it I have some edibles and those normally make me sleepy so ig that’s what I can take. gn
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*thinking about Alice Dyer* I miss my wife, Tails. I miss her a lot.
#when will my wife return from the war* (*hiatus)#i need to listen to her getting into a messy situationship with celia before realizing whats shes done ASAP#then... turning to Gwen for help mayhaps 👀#tmagp
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gah.....manga akira...i miss u..............
#stardust speaking !#i need to check i have the chs. mayhaps look for um higher hq than my olde grabbing everything that was free last anni<3333#(guy who doesnt use icons) i lov storing icons in my folders#I SHALL hopefully have tmrw to grab everything here:D thank u. could i interest u in a lot of screaming about pt2#everyday i open where i left off everyday i dont have time to conitnue.......#had the terrifying realization im very close to the leader meeting. and the hell lines that appears there#head in hands akiras desperation in how theyre unable to help any of them except oz&mithra
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I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent
#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little#bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the#very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the#house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks#Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a#gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a#treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of#color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration#like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a#auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies#so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk#and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver#but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and#sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an#active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have#been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start#to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've#done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!'#(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks#with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm#secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool#stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers#me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or#it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for#too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been#investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely#enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed#google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj#LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!
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i feel like genuinely ill over this I’m not getting a good grade in being a good person rn huh
#camera talks#i need to stop venting on here too. this sucks. mayhaps a therapist would help !!!!#hahah that’s funny.#okay gonna go cry myself to bed now 👍#I should be able to talk to people and tell them when I’m concerned or when I want clarification#it’s like something im pretty sure I should feel good about#but we didn’t talk about it before and I feel Bad bringing it up now and I feel like a bad person for thinking about it now#and I think I kinda suck.#alright. bed now and I’ll be back to delete this in either 10 secs or in the morning#sorry :/#vent#delete later
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new favorite hobby!! not being able to shut the fuck up about joe goldberg
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editing my masterlist page. and 'reader' has never looked spelt so wrong...
#cove's masterlist is so long. we gon need a real archive at this point#was planning to start adding some of my rambles to it too... man...#i will work on my tagging system too. that'll help mayhaps...
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No shade but why did Harry Crosby name his memoir after the series of travel guides that Kevin's mum writes in We Need To Talk About Kevin? (A Wing and a Prayer)
Kinda sus if u ask me
#i am kidding#ofc#harry crosby WISHES he had what tilda swinton has#what lionel shriver has#nah i dont actually think he does#but i cant read it without thinking of that book and that film#probably doesnt help that i wrote my English lit a level final essay on it#i have read that book perhaps a concerning amount of times#my copy is heavily annotated#am i thinking of it a lot as i write the clegan scream au?#mayhaps#anyway that was all i had to say#hillyspeaks#we need to talk about kevin#harry crosby#a wing and a prayer
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i swear to god the next time i think "oh i feel and function much better now, maybe i dont need my meds anymore" i NEED to remember that that is the DEVIL SPEAKING and that the REASON i feel and function better is BECAUSE the meds are IN my system and that the NEXT COURSE OF ACTION is NOT to REMOVE the from my system but to KEEP THEM THERE good god
#I AM SO SHARP AND PRODUCTIVE THESE DAYS IT IS INSANE I#I FEEL LIKE HOW I FELT WHEN I FIRST GOT INTO TOT SO SHARP AND CREATIVE AND WRITING AND ONLY NOW DO I RMEMBER THAT#THAT WAS ALSO WHEN I STARTED MY MEDS#THEN I WENT OFF THEM IN FEB-MARCH 2022#IMMEDIATE DIP IN PRODUCTIVITY AND MOOD. AS IF. MAYHAPS. THE MEDS BEING IN ME H E L P E D#AND THEM NOT BEING IN ME DID NOT HELP#I CRACKED THE CODE. THE ANSWER IS THAT I WAS AN IDIOT#dootdootdoot#sorry for the capitalized yelling but this felt like the expanding brain meme for me. guys. guys ive Written#i /wrote and finished a fic/#it's for a zine so i cant post it yet yall have to get the tot olympians zine (@olympianszine) to read this one#and then i sTARTED A NEW FIC AND I HAVE 1.5K WORDS oN THAT#and thats on top of everythng ive been working on for the nxx comp vol 2 and work and life#damn. what a good set of meds can do to a mfer. why was i so angsty about going on meds again i need this shit tf
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I want,,,,to play a video game,,,because I deserve it for doing stuff today,,,but,,,the fucking eepy <//3333
#please god help i haven't played a video game in 2 weeks#> I think about playing game#>'No with the time you're playing games you could be working on your assignment'#> doesn't play games. also doesn't work on my assignment#> gets tired. goes to bed#the cycle....#I didn't even do that much work related really...I just. stop being as worried for a multitude of reasons#one group hadn't even started their document...and we got like. clarification on some things we needed clarification on#I added references I needed so I don't have to worry about that and I can. move on with the rest of the work#we have A Week. we can get it done#also tiny bit motivated because we got the damn repo for the document actually up so I can actually. see progress I'm making when I push#yay <3#but I walked far and back to help a friend with smth and I think that counts as like. tasks completed today#even if it wasn't strictly uni work related#some stardew valley mayhaps....maybe...#android.txt
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WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME BURROWS END WASNT FREE
#I DIDNT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT IT BUT STILL. SOMEONE SHOULDVE WARNED ME BEFORE I GOT COMPLETELY INVESTED#I know next to nothing abt dimension 20 I’m pretty sure I just saw a post abt burrows end specifically MONTHS ago and was like 👀👀👀#opened a tab with the first episode to watch later and promptly forgot about it#until last night! having a bad night and was like hrm what if I just watch smth#and I’ve been reading watership down recently!! finally got my own copy bc it was my favourite book when I was like NINE#so I am fully primed to fall in love with a story abt little animals rn and man#I am OBSESSED with this and also realising yeah I’m at a point where I could get very into tabletop rpgs now#what if. what if I just get dropout. what if I just do that. would that not be fun. I would like to see the stoats do stuff#i am so in love with Ava and her player and I understand so much more about brennan lee mulligan now. and VIOLA#viola may be my favourite character I’m obsessed with how she interacts with other characters.m#i NEED to know what’s up with thorn’s cult thing. and also thorn. what is going on there#hrrgrhehh the thing that’s holding me back is I’m allergic to subscriptions#impermanence. even though I know it’s fairly unlikely I’ll wanna watch it again any time soon I don’t like the idea that I’d have to like#in a couple years pay for it again or not be able to bc I can’t afford it even though I already paid for it once#I’m a books + cartridge games guy and it shows.#okay. I will chew on this. the price is not unreasonable and I have coincidentally also been looking at make some noise clips#it does not help that I basically never watch things but my favourite podcast is also ending within the next month (2 episodes left)#and this IS primarily audio so I could cook + watch mayhaps. and I’ve heard good things abt all other d20.#they have a 20% off first year deal on. annual would make me less stressed long term if I end up liking this bc cheaper + choice premade#and would also mean I can do it now and not feel bad abt wasting the first month bc I won’t be able to watch much for a few weeks#fuck it I’m allowed to make frivolous purchases sometimes I will simply swallow the subscription distaste#more stoats >:)#that aside all the players are incredible I’m pretty sure when this is done I’ll wanna watch other seasons just to see what else they do#okay go do the thing I believe in you you can spend money sometimes#luke.txt#update I downloaded the app. I am putting off the decision for another day now bc it’s 1:21am and I have not been thinking clearly <3
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Here's something really important i have learned wrt overcoming moral OCD and things such as that: one of the main dreads is "well if I stop clenching my fist so FUCKING tight and mentally excoriating and flogging myself for even a tiny moment then I'll immediately become truly evil before I can learn any nuance" but like. If you're trying that hard to be good, like, easing up a little isn't gonna rubber band you in the opposite direction. I can't explain it better than that like. It is NOT GOING TO RUBBER BAND YOU IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. You're not elastic, you're like a rope being pulled so far it's fraying. Ease up on the tension and you're still basically exactly where you were, just relaxed and not in danger of snapping. Don't relax and, well. You will snap?
#not useful advice ik#fever me talks such nonsense i usually would be like. no one needs to hear this bc it wont help if it dont come from within#i love the whole. the more tired and bad i feel the more talking i do actually. seems like everyone else its mostly the opposite#mayhaps my clenching my fist to shut up all the time is not working so good. in fact it might be a good idea to relax#but like#who does that lol?#“take my advice im not using it!!”
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...
#jesus christ. i love a tragedy. fucking love a tragedy. love media#where characters stare into the face of god and are consumed with wonder as they die#the world is so fucking beautiful it burns through them and leaves nothing but ash#alex garland i am in your walls. i mean. he didnt direct sunshine but i think he cowrote the screenplay#i too wish to b cast off into the sun#my homones r perhaps returning to normal so mayhaps i am returning to my typical state of hysteria rather than depression lol#well see what tomorrow brings. im just saying that all my favorite media involves the most exquisite tragedy#i want to see destruction and i want to kno there is beauty there. i spend Nearly all my time at thr bottom of a well#but sometimes the sky clears and i can see the stars#but this is not helpful when i need to get things done lol#unrelated
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why am i being so productive recently this is weird
in the past 3 weeks i've fully written and posted 2 oneshots, and now i'm actually making progress on one that i have been attempting to write since may
what is happening
what is this
#send help this is weird#since when do i actually write#also do i need a tag for just. me talking#mayhaps#also ao3 is having issues again cries#bagel thoughts
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I wish I had time to write because I kinda wanna write short stories with Sanguis and Copia......
Someone please help me
help me write
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
#listen I need to read them#I want Sanguis x Copia stories so bad#some fluff kinda things mayhaps#help#ghost#ghost bc#ghost the band
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